Omniscient yet not omnivorous

In this week’s random post, we’ll talk about Mooby the Golden Calf and a trailer on US Highway 441.

Folks living in South Carolina and Georgia may remember a short-lived video rental chain called “Moovies”. This company got bought out by Video Update after Moovies’ udderly silly marketing plan produced little more than cow chips.

I always had the theory that Moovies went under because their mascot, a heifer wearing classic “red-blue” 3D glasses, looked too much like Mooby from Dogma. This has little basis in fact, since I recall Moovies going under before the release of Dogma.

So why bring it up? Excellent question …

Suzan and I discovered Mooby lives on the side of US Highway 441, put out to pasture by a junk dealer in rural Georgia. We were on our way to Commerce to buy an iron skillet and trade vehicles with my father-in-law, who is getting our truck’s air conditioner repaired at a great discount.

The sheer silliness of this image produced a thought in my mind which, due to some great and unknown cosmic power, also came into the mind of my dear spouse … where can we put this thing at our house?

Suzan opted for the living room of our yet-to-be-built house … somewhere between the TV and fireplace. Moving it in would be easy during framing, since the walls won’t be up yet. I have a small problem with this, only because we then have to find curtains and a couch that coordinate with a giant fiberglass bovine head. Where’s Frank from Trading Spaces when you really need him?

My choice, which seems wise in comparison to my wife’s plan, is to put Mooby on the roof of our barn. After all, this kind of unique beauty must be shared with the world … you can’t squander this quality workmanship. This would be great fun for all of the hot air balloons that come over the farm in the fall, not to mention the personal aircraft that pass over as they land at the nearby airstrip.

I’m sure the goats and horses would get a kick out of it as well. They would have a giant herbivore to look after them. Then again, that could result in the goats and horses worshiping at the giant head of Mooby. I can see it now … a small herd wearing 3D glasses, chanting and bowing before the giant calf head …

Oh great and powerful Mooby … omniscient yet not omnivorous … please provide our meager herd with the green mana that comes from the soil …

Just want I need, a herd full of idolaters attracting the scorn of sheep everywhere.

Yes my friends, the drive to Commerce is so boring that I devised a plan to adorn my barn with a giant fiberglass cow head. Next time I’ll bring the MP3 player.