Damn This Cranberry Muffin

December 18, 2002 – 11:18 AM EST

It really hasn’t been my day, and it’s not even lunchtime yet. Actually, it hasn’t been my day for several days … but why start now.

My cold still refuses to leave the confines of my physical being. Suzan’s version of the evil nasal affliction is worse than mine, keeping her out of work on Tuesday. Neither of us can sleep through the entire night, making it hard to get that annoying “rest” all doctors recommend when one takes ill.

Of course, getting up at 5:45AM doesn’t do much for one’s sleep cycle either. My flight for Phoenix left Atlanta at 8:45AM. Security was a hassle, Delta was a pain in the ass, and Starbucks can’t make muffins anymore. Out of the three, airport security was the least offensive (not poorly done, just a bit crowded).

Delta is the first to suffer the wrath of being removed from my Christmas card list. Delta seems unwilling to see how “James Brian Richardson”, “Brian Richardson” and “James B Richardson” can possibly be the same person. Even though I go by Brian, James is really my first name (my mom did this, I still don’t understand why). It’s great for filtering junk mail and telemarketers, but bad at airports.

My driver’s license says “James B Richardson”, due to the fact that the Georgia DMV refused to print my full name (remind me not to send them a Christmas card, either). So showing up at the airport now with a ticket that says “Brian Richardson” is a real hassle. Never mind the fact that the TSA agents don’t blink twice examining my briefcase full of little green boards wired to a silver box, the security threat posed by a white male who goes by his middle name is much greater. My Delta SkyMiles account, which has been active since 1996, is setup for “Brian Richardson”, yet it is tied to my American Express SkyMiles Card … which was opened as “James Brian Richardson”, but reads “JAMES B RICHARDSON” (member since 1999, don’t leave home without it).

What is the point of all this … Delta doesn’t want to associate today’s flight to Phoenix with my SkyMiles number, which fails to explain how I’ve accumulated the other 220,000+ miles. So I have to call their “customer service agent” to resolve this issue, and probably mail the ticket stub in to get credit because no Delta gate agent is allowed to actually help their valued “frequent” customers.

While I’m on the subject of Delta’s frequent flyer program, I’d like to take this opportunity to address recent changes to the SkyMiles Medallion program. I think I speak for all Delta Medallion customers when I say are you out of your minds you greedy corporate weasels? Delta’s frequent flyer rewards program has been altered to adjust the miles credited to Medallion status in proportion to the ticket’s fare code. The fare code I am using for the divine right to ride in Seat 36E is “U”. Today this ride gets me about 1,400 miles and one segment point (Medallion status is awarded by exceeding a certain number of flight miles or segments). After December 31, 2002 this flight will still get 1,400 miles, but only 700 of those will be credited towards Medallion status … and segment points no longer count. I have to fly at a higher fare code to get all the miles credited towards Medallion status. Business and first class get “mileage multipliers” of 1.5 and 2 (and why not, since they pay out the nose for the big chair).

Delta considers my fare code “deeply discounted”. So as a frequent customer, I am penalized for actually taking advantage of their lower prices. Hell, the only reason I’m on this plane versus another airline is because this flight was cheaper. But in the past I have picked Delta over other airlines, like AirTran or America West, because of the Medallion program. If Delta doesn’t want people to use their low fare codes, don’t offer them. Please don’t offer me an affordable way for my company to put me on your airline over another, then tell me that my patronage doesn’t mean as much as it used to. Where was this “deeply discounted fare” when I wanted to go to on my Japan-Taiwan-China trip in April? I wanted to keep those 15,000 SkyMiles on Delta, but I ended up flying United because it was $2,000 cheaper.

Considering the lame “breakfast snack” and severe lack of legroom I am experiencing on this flight, I might have to keep AirTran and America West in mind the next time I have to jump cross-country. They may not be the greatest airlines in the history of flight, but at least they remember that every customer keeps them in business.

[Pardon the pause in my rant, but my left foot is falling asleep. The person in front of me has reclined, so now I have to sit sideways to type. When a 5'7" 150lb man complains about legroom, you know there's a problem.]

Now on to the cranberry muffin, which I alluded to in the title of this article-turned-rant. I don’t have the frequent customer status with Starbucks that I have with Delta, but I do enjoy their products while on the road. I have a formula Starbucks breakfast when I travel … grande chai latte, cranberry orange muffin. In your run of the mill Starbucks (you know, the one that’s just down the street from the other Starbucks), this comes to about $4.75. I consider that reasonable for a quality brewed beverage and a giant, whole grain baked product that explodes out it’s thin paper wrapper like a mushroom.

This morning’s Starbucks breakfast was purchased in Concourse D of the Atlanta airport. Due to the markup charged by every airport retailer, my total cost was well over five dollars. The chai was good, but the muffin was not. My cranberry orange muffin suffered from two flaws:
1.Lack of cohesion
2.No mushroom effect

The absence of the “mushroom effect” left me with a small breakfast experience. The prized “muffin top” that every bakery guru craves was not present, depriving me of true muffin bliss. The lack of cohesion caused the remainder of my paltry pastry to disintegrate once the paper wrapper was removed. This caused me little muffin joy, and left crumbs on my $80 dress slacks.

This is not a new experience for me as a Starbucks customer. My last Starbucks breakfast at San Jose Airport ended the same way, except that I was wearing different pants. It bothers me that a company with such a reputation for quality products allows this type of thing to happen, especially when I am paying an inflated cost for what is regarded as an already expensive product.

I’m not asking for much, just the same thing I get from every Starbucks that isn’t attached to a major transportation hub.

So let’s sum up what we’ve learned today:
Quality product … good
Customer service … important
Treating customers like mindless cattle who have money to burn on bad products … typical, not surprising, but still a bad idea in general
Mom using your middle name since your birth … confusing to airlines, telemarketers and any organization that issues identification cards