Siliconchef by Brian Richardson
Hi, my name is Brian. I hold a Master’s Degree in Electrical Engineering and have six years experience in the computer industry as a BIOS engineer.
This week, I am designing donkey blankets.
Of course, I must properly define the term “donkey blanket”.
A “donkey blanket” (literally) covers a donkey.
So I’m designing something that covers an ass.
I am making items to cover one’s ass.
Our company’s slight lack of proper management is causing many people to get bit in the ass. They find it uncomfortable, and many can no longer sit down. So we’re reviewing our engineering process and trying to spackle over the holes. So I’ve been recruited to look over the process … actually to help define a process.
The first process changes proposed by my boss (actually, my bosses’ boss) is to create a series of review documents … one before the project starts, one that documents the history of the project, and one post-mortem document.
That pre-project review grew into three documents … one for internal only review, one to give to the customer (a “concerns” document), and one that tells people what parts of the internal review can be discussed with the customer in the “concerns” document.
This is now officially getting out of hand.
My Monday ended with an argument over the existence of this “concerns” document. I have a problem with creating a formal document that tells a customer up front why we expect to fail. I understand the need for a warranty document (which is part of the contract), and I know that the engineering managers would like a donkey blanket to insulate them from problems in the generic code they use to make the customer’s project.
Hmmm … insulated donkey blankets? I’ll have to remember that one …
One of the sales guys described it like this … “Imagine you go on a first date. Just as she’s getting in the car, she looks at you and says ‘By the way, I might have AIDS.’ Wouldn’t you think twice before taking her to dinner?”
I’m afraid this “process” will take longer than the actual project, reducing a software engineering company to nothing but a donkey blanket factory.
Why do I have a feeling that you and Andy should commiserate?
Hey, I could make colorful, quilted donkey blankets…
Instead of having computers at your desk, just set up donkey blanket looms and you can create donkey blankets all day rather than getting anything productive done.
Until I put my foot down, I was being asked to write official ISO9001:2000 documents that described other ISO9001:2000 documents. This was in addition to the official list of documents that contained synopses. I had fun at one point causing documents to recurse upon themselves. The auditors haven’t noticed yet.
We have two "status" documents: the schedules that I create and update, and the status sheets in Excel that another engineer does.
Well, because one of our managers is apparently too stupid to use Project, or too unwilling to try to manage things properly, the status sheets now have the exact same information that my schedules do.
I turned to the other engineer and said, "What, are you trying to put me out of a job? Because, you see, my stuff is prettier than your stuff, so you know I’m going to win."
He just looked at me and sighed.